


Cry With A Smile

by WeltschmerzPrinzessin



Category: Tokio Hotel
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Blood, Crossdressing, Cutting, Depression, Discrimination, Drama, Eating Disorders, F/M, Father/Son Incest, Incest, M/M, Rape/Non-con Elements, Self-Harm, Twincest, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-11
Updated: 2018-09-12
Packaged: 2018-11-13 00:05:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11172828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WeltschmerzPrinzessin/pseuds/WeltschmerzPrinzessin
Summary: Something snapped inside of him. As if he started remembering life from before. It was like the past came to slap him in the face to wake up. He started thinking about life before... something he wasn’t able to for the longest time. Bill knew life wasn’t always like this. But it hurt too much thinking about the before-life. One thing was for sure though; that boy that he saw earlier today had something to do with it.Tom and Bill Kaulitz are twin brothers separated at the age of seven, after the divorce of their parents.Tom grew up with their loving mother, Simone, in the heart of Prague. Now, eleven years later, he works at a DVD-shop and skips classes in school to smoke weed with his friends.Bill grew up with their abusive and sadistic father, Jörg, in the outskirts of Prague. He deals with suicidal thoughts a lot and uses self-harm to escape the pain his life brings.When Bill has to change schools, he ends up in the same school and class as Tom. Neither of the them notice each other’s identity at first. But that is about to change when Bill puts two and two together.(Originally posted this on Tokiohotelfiction, but migrated it to here because of annoying moderators over there)





	1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don’t own Tokio Hotel or Andreja Pejic or other famous people I used in this story, none of this do I use for profit it is all for entertainment reasons.

-

Bill entered the hallway where the classroom that he was supposed to go to was located. If he was right this first class was supposed to be German. He was a little bit too late because he passed out for half an hour . Even though he left house too early, he still managed to be late for his first day. He would never forgive himself.

This would be his third school in only one year. A feeling of hopelessness ran through Bill’s body and he shuddered at the thought he probably would integrate in this school, only to leave it again not much later.

The fear of meeting new people overtook Bill as soon as he gripped the doorhandle. How will people react this time? Will girls envy him? Will guys bully him? It was all just too much for him but he needed to do this... there is no choice.

As he opened the door and walked into the classroom, his worst fears became reality and people started looking at him and probably talking about him too. It was all as expected but it was still very uncomfortable and he wished they would just go on with what they were doing before.

The teacher was nowhere to be seen so he had no idea what to do next. If he’d sit down in the middle of the class without introducing himself, that would be weird. But without a teacher starting the introduction it would be odd as well. So he decided it would be the best to settle down and let it be for now. 

As he walked to an empty chair, he noticed the glances guys were giving him which made the whole situation even more awkward. A few seconds later he felt a rough hand smack his ass which made him blush and turn around immediately. Bill slapped the person in self-defence and yelled at him.

“What the fuck is your problem? No one gave you permission to touch me...”.

Everyone in the room was looking at him now. How could this be happening? He should have let the guy do his thing and not slap or yell at him. ‘This is your own fucking fault you stupid bitch, you just had to make a scene out if it, didn’t you?’, Bill thought to himself.

A slightly fit but yet dorky guy came over to him and put an arm around his shoulder. 

“Heey sweetheart, do you mind asking me your name?”

Bill was seeing hazy by now and had no intensions answering the recently asked question.

A relatively young woman with long blonde hair walked into the classroom. Even though Bill is gay he still noticed how stunning she looked. He supposed this would be the teacher and felt a sigh of relief escape him.

The woman noticed him and walked over to her desk, waving for Bill to come and join. Bill didn’t hesitate to get out of the guys grip to walk over to the teacher.

“Hello my dear. First of all welcome to our school. My name is Miss. Pejic, but you can call me Andreja too if you want”. She held out her hand as she said this and locked eyes with Bill.

Bill hesitated but shook her hand. “Bill... Bill Kaulitz”. He could see the confusion in the teacher’s eyes and decided to correct himself. “Bill is what my friends call me, but my full name is Billa”, he lied but miss Pejic didn’t seem to notice.

“What an unusual name dear... unusual but beautiful”, she gave a subtle smile.

Bill didn’t know how to react so he looked away from her and started fidgeting his sleeves. He had already made his first lie to a woman he just met. He knows this will cause trouble later but for now he just doesn’t want to bother since he is already very, very tired.

“Well I’m going to start my class. How about you introduce yourself to the class?” miss Pejic asked but immediately saw the fear in Bills eye’s. “Or.... or I could introduce you”, she said and saw the nod Bill gave.

Miss Pejic stood up from her seat and walked to the front of the class. She turned her head once more to Bill to give him a comforting smile that it will be okay. 

Already, miss Pejic seemed very thrustworthy to Bill. There is just something about her that feels familiar. Something that Bill and her have in common. He just can not quit put his finger on it but is eventually taken out of his thoughts when the teacher starts talking to the class.

“This here is our new student Billa. She is currently eighteen years old and lives here in Prague. Please all do your best to make her feel at home on her first school day. If there are any more questions, you can just ask her herself”.

With that the class started. To Bill’s surprise nobody had asked him about his unusual name yet. And for that he is grateful. He is sick and tired of people asking questions when he doesn’t even know all the answers himself.

What Bill somehow did expect was the flirting of guys during the day. These first two hours of school were in German class so he got called sweetheart in many different ways in German. 

-

When school was over Bill didn’t doubt a second to leave the place as fast as possible. His first day was already making him crazy. The last school already mentally killed him, so he could not live with another school full of idiots. People are such pre-programmed animals. 

As he left the school ground, he saw a bunch of classmates and other students smoking weed like their life depends on it. This would probably be the ‘cool kids’ that he wants nothing to do with. At his last school, the popular kids wanted him to be part of their clique. When he rejected them, they bullied him instead. So he tried not to get involved with these kind of people this time.

But luck was not on his side as a guy was staring at him and called him out.

“Nice tits for a goth girl”.

Directly after he said this one of the two girls of the group gave the guy a glare and walked over to Bill, placing her hand on his shoulder as a gesture to sooth him.

“Omygod I am so sorry for my friend Georg here. It is his way of showing when he likes a girl. Even though he is stupid as a sheep, he is actually a nice guy”. As she said this, she gave Georg a teasing glare again. 

Bill noticed the way her soft maroon hair flipped when she turned to face this Georg guy. ‘Have to dye my hair maroon soon’, Bill thought as he watched the hair with envy when she turned around again.

As she turned her head back around to face Bill, she inspected him from upside down. This made him feel very uncomfortable. What was she going to think of him? This seemed like the kind of girl that could ruin your entire reputation in school. He didn’t want to risk that, so he tried to release himself from her grip but she held him tighter on the shoulders.

Bill looked at her again and noticed that she actually has a very sweet face. Her hazel eyes held no evil in them and she was not faking her gentle smile. 

“Look I know what you are thinking; a bunch of weed smoking bullies, standing at the corner of the schoolgates. I agree; we carry that vibe. But we are actually really nice people. Even the airhead that just verbally harassed you. My name is Tereza but you can call me Tess too. The guy that just horribly insulted you is called Georg as I said before. The girl next to him is Elena. She is Russian so you will have trouble communicating with her in Czech. But don’t worry I can translate what she says anytime”.

The girl widened her eyes and squinted them, glaring at Tess. Then looked at Bill. “That is bullshit. I speak Czech perfectly as you hear. Tess is just jealous of my gorgeous accent”. She said, and smiled playfully at Tess.

Tess stared at Bill for a few second, as if expecting him to answer. But Bill was too lost in thoughts as he looked at a boy behind her. The boy was looking at him too with the same level of confusion. This guy looked strangely familiar to Bill but he could not put his finger on it.

Tess followed Bill’s gaze and noticed it landed on her friend Tom. She rolled her eyes and pouted her lips before speaking.

“Im not surprised you like him, he is a cutie. But mister Thomas here gets higher than the Eiffel Tower”. To this, Tom raised his eyebrow as to show he does not agree with her. Then he exhaled his cigarette again.

“Tess my dear. I would be totally offended by that if it hadn’t come out of a Potheads mouth. And by pothead I also mean the shape of your head”, Tom said as he grinned provokingly at his friend.

Bill laughed softly at the insult and was already liking this guy. The guy noticed and winked at Bill and gave him a cocky smile, making Bill blush and turn his face slightly. Tess had called him a cutie but this had to be the biggest understatement of the year. The way his eyes squinted when he winked at him. Those gorgeous sweet eyes. His skin was slightly tanned and hair was knotted neatly under the white cap he was wearing. When he noticed the lipring, he wondered if Tom would be a good kisser.

Bill noticed he was staring again and quickly looked at the school building as if it was the most interesting thing in the world.

“Is that an actual insult?! Omygod Tom... and I have a heart shaped face... obviously!” Tess spat out.

The creepy guy who is apparently called Georg, came over to Tess and him and placed a hand on her shoulder.

“Guys, guys... could you shut it for a second. We didn’t even get the name of miss darkness here yet”.

The guy gave Bill a grin that made him cringe. Seriously? He had just called him out about his apparent great tits. And now he was flirting with him... Bill had more than enough. Without saying anything, he turned around and made his way home.

As he left Tereza’s grip, she tried to get hold of him again but failed. Georg followed Bill for a while and tried to get his attention. 

“If you want... we.. we can exchange our numbers and... I don’t know maybe get to know each other some more”. Georg said but stopped as he noticed Bill wasn’t going to react anytime soon.

Disappointed by the situation, he turned around and joined his friends again.

“Great. A nice girl comes into my life and you have to blow it for me again. Thank you a lot guys”.

Both Tom and Tess were quick to correct him.

-

Bill walked into his house and immediately put off his army boots and went to lay on the couch. He needed to rest after this day full of people wanting to talk to him and know him. All was so overwhelming and he just needed a moment for himself, for as long as that would be possible... He tried to shake off the unpleasant feelings that shivered through his body as he thought of the possible schedule of the rest of the day.

He set his mind to what happened at his first day at his new school today. Quickly he came to the conclusion that people probably already thought he was a girl. Even though he got introduced as Billa, even the teacher used female pronounces.  
This made him think of how his very feminine physiques all started.

-

Thirteen years old Bill looked at himself in the mirror as he checked the messy black circles around his eyes again, then looked back at the picture of Nena he had pasted in his agenda. There was no doubt that Nena would feel ashamed if she saw the horribly failed attempt to imitate the make-up she was wearing on the picture, or at least Bill thought so.

Sighing, he brushed his half-long lock of hair over his left eye, showing off his pierced eyebrow and slightly better make-upped eye on the right. He put the brush away and rested his hands on the sink in front of the mirror. ‘Nena would hate me for this, but at least I tried. And everyone sucks at the first time of doing their makeup...’ , Bill thought to himself.

He put his newly bought smokey-eye make-up kit in his backpack, along with his agenda, brush and baby-pink lipgloss. When he walked out of the bathroom, he bumped into a tall, broad figure. Jörg...

His father had been just standing there, gazing him with a stiff expression on his face. This made Bill wonder how long he had been standing there. Had he seen Bill experimenting with the make-up? And if that wasn’t bad enough, the result wasn’t that pretty either.

Bill looked up to meet his father’s cold eyes. Jörg hadn’t shown him a loving expression or fatherly smile anymore at all since the day him and his wife, Simone, had divorced. His treatment of his son wasn’t caring or fatherly either. 

For a long time Bill had been neglected by his father, not getting food on some days and being forced to wear old clothes that didn’t seem to fit anymore. Later, around his tenth birthday, the abuse started. At first Jörg would sometimes only slap him in the face when Bill didn’t act as expected. But later he would be punished not only for misbehaving, but also purely for Jörgs own entertainment.

It was pretty clear to Bill that his father got off on his pain. But this was also his own fault. By being such a sensitive weakling he showed the man that it was okay to hurt him, to break him and his thrust in family.

Bill flinched away and took a few steps back as his father placed a hand on his shoulder.

“F-father...I-“, Bill was cut off as Jörg forcefully grabbed his chin and lifted it up so their eyes met again.

Jörg was inspecting Bill’s face, as if he was unravelling some kind of mystery. Of course he was judging the black smears around his eyes. The look on his father’s face was a combination of disgust and something that he couldn’t quite place.

“I knew it...”, Jörg squished Bill’s face and roughly slapped him. “I knew from the beginning that you would turn out to be a little skank one day or another”. 

Bill looked at his father with fear in his eyes. He had no idea why his dad had just called him a skank. He wasn’t even entirely sure what ‘skank’ means anyway. There was no way that what he just got made out for is what he really is. His father probably used the wrong term.

“Secuding men and breaking their hearts, just like your mother”. Jörg got hold of Bill’s face again and pulled him to himself.  
“Listen to me carefully now. Having that pretty face and petite body is not enough. We have got to make sure you won’t rough up through the years”. After this, Jörg checked Bill out slowly from the top to the bottom, then turned him around. “Got to put some curves on that skinny bitch body of you”.

Bill had no clue what his father was talking about, why this sudden information. Was his father actually supporting him for being rather feminine? Then why was he insulting him and saying he would break men’s hearts? This was all so confusing.

That day was the day that would change his life forever. His father had taken him to a nearby doctor that had agreed to prescribe him oestrogen pills and testosterone blockers. All there had to be done was his father telling how Bill always wanted to be a girl. Of course the doctor immediately believed him after taking a look at Bill and hearing the boy out.

In reality Bill didn’t mind going through life as a girl. He actually liked the idea of never becoming masculine. But it was not like he identifies as female. 

A week later he got his first puberty blocking injection, along with the daily oestrogen pills.  
All of a sudden Bill was shaken from the memory and taken back into reality when the door went open and an angry Jörg stormed in.

-

Tom sighed as he walked away from his group of friends. Normally he would hang out with them for until the evening or even in the night. But today was not one of those days. They pissed him off. The way they threated the new girl was so sad. Well actually Tereza and Elena were nice to her but Georg totally scared her. The girl seemed very shy to begin with so calling her out for her breasts was not a very nice way to get to know her.

On the other hand Tereza got on his nerves today because of different reasoning. She was obviously very much into him but her way of showing it is not very enjoyable. She insults him probably way too much for someone he should call his girlfriend. Tom would call her out on it but she never agrees with him. She just calls Tom bossy and says he doesn’t get to change her. 

She used to be the girl of his dreams but after a year of being in a relationship with her, he got to know her true person and it kind of disappointed him. She is a nice girl but just not a match for him. The last month both of them started to notice how their relationship kind of turned into a regular friendship. The last remains of their relationship were starting to die as well.

As he entered his neighbourhood, he decided if he should stay outside for a little while to smoke. But then a thought crossed his mind. He had to find the goth girl on social media. He was totally going to perv on her profile, wanting to know more about her. He just can’t leave her out of his mind.

As he got inside he wasted no time to crawl in on his bed and grab laptop to search on social media. 

After half an hour of useless searching, he concluded she did not have any form of social media. In reality this does not seem weird to him at all if he thinks about it. She came across very shy so she would not be the type to be found on the internet.

This makes him wonder how she spends her days. If she has any friends at all. Then he mentally smacks himself for thinking she has no friends. She probably has her own clique of friends. The fact that she didn’t want to communicate with his own friends does not mean she is anti-social.

But still he wonders...

-

Bill crawled into a ball on the couch but it was no use, Jörg was already on top of him, stripping off all his clothing.

“God how I have missed those hot tranny titties today. Have been thinking about them all day long at work”, Jörg said as he undid Bill’s bra. “Had to masturbate about five times today because of that hot body of you”.

Big, hungry hands started cawing Bill’s small frame and before he knew it his father had him in a position he couldn’t escape from. Jörgs had pushed him against a wall in a sitting position. His legs were placed between Bills own legs to spread them. 

Jörgs right hand was stroking Bill’s face as his left hand was gripping his hair to force Bill to look at him.

Bill felt hot breath against his neck as Jörg started kissing and biting his neck as a form of foreplay. This is where Bill started to drift off in his head. He has used this as a coping mechanism for a very long time now. He was now thinking off the mysterious boy that he saw earlier today outside of his school. Still he had no idea who that boy is and why he looks so incredibly familiar. 

Meanwhile Jörg was stroking his stomach and came across the sensitive area of the freshly pierced bellybutton. This resulted in a soft moan from Bill. Not much later his father was hungrily grabbing his B-cup breasts and playing with and licking his nipples. Bill, still lost in the other world, imagined the boy from school playing with his nipples and accidentally shouted for more.

Jörg gave him a rough wet kiss on the mouth and tongued his nipples some more. “That’s it baby; scream and moan for daddy like the fucking cheap whore you really are. God... This fucking hot body is where I'm living for".

This is where Bill became conscious again of the situation and started having a panic attack, screaming and pushing his father off in the process. “Get OOOOFF... G-get ooooff... OFFFF OOOOFF!” He was hyperventilating by now. His eyes turned into streaming waterfalls and his pupils became huge. Jörg immediately got off of him and sprinted to the kitchen to get a plastic bag out of the trash. When he found one he ran back to Bill and placed it in front of his mouth and ordered Bill to breathe in and out heavily in it.

When his breath became less violent he started sobbing softly and began rambling. “No more... no more”.

Jörg carefully stroked his face and kissed his forehead. Bill avoided his piercing gaze and put all his focus on the clothes in front of him. His body shocked every now and then, resulting in spastic moves in Jörgs hold.

“Look at me baby”.

Bill didn’t notice the line of words that had just left Jörgs mouth. His mind was almost completely numb and his body went on autopilot. This didn’t matter to Jörg at all because he still didn’t get what he wanted. He has been making love with Bill for ages so he had no clue why the sudden outburst. Well it happened before sometimes, but most of the time Bill co-operated nicely.

When Bill still wasn’t looking at him he knew he was partly checked out mentally. This meant free access for Jörg. He put Bill in a sitting position and got up to stand in front him. He grabbed Bills face and shove his rock-hard dick in his throat deep and rough.

Bill was still somewhere else mentally but looked Jörg dead in the eyes. Jörg looked down on him and a sadistic smile spread across his sweating face. “Yeah that’s right baby, take it like the slut you are. You know this is what you need. Without my big fat cock inside of you, you would never be able to survive. You were born to serve me”. 

In reaction to this Bill just kept staring cold and emotionless in his father’s eyes. Jörg loved this. He absolutely loved the power he had in these moments. Having his dick pumping deep in his perfect personal girl doll. There was nothing he couldn’t do with Bills body and Bill knew it. He would never escape because he had nowhere else to go, nowhere to belong. He was formed into something only his father could take pleasure of. Something no one would need, only Jörg. 

“Oh fucking hell.. ahhh fuck yeah... fuck”. Jörg shouted as he pumped his final fucks in Bill’s throat as he came hard. He made sure to leave his mouth on time so he came all over Bill’s face. Bill kept his mouth open so his tongue would catch semen too. He knew his father wanted him to swallow it after.

When he was done, Jörg went off to grab his HD camera and took some shots of the position Bill was in. “Fuck that is definitely going online. Everyone has the right to enjoy that perfect angelic needy face”.

After Jörg got some shots, he left to put the pictures online and to get some vodka to drink.

Bill put his clothes back on and crawled back into the ball form he was in earlier. Slowly he started getting his thoughts back and the numbness faded. Something snapped inside of him. As if he started remembering life from before. It was like the past came to slap him in the face to wake up. He started thinking about life before... something he wasn’t able to for the longest time. Bill knew life wasn’t always like this. But it hurt too much thinking about the before-life. One thing was for sure though; that boy that he saw earlier today had something to do with it.

He was pulled back from his thoughts when he heard his father screaming for him to make him dinner. After putting on his socks and giving himself a wake-up slap, he stood up and left the living room to make dinner for his owner.

Something inside of him definitely snapped today. He could not continue living like this. It has something to do with that boy from school.

That is when it all became clear to him...

“Tomi...”.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thankyou for the reviews guys! Sory this is kind of a short chapter. The next one will be longer. I was very inspired for the general mood of this chapter while listening to this song 'Eskmo - Hannah'. Listen it and put it on repeat if you want the full experience :)

Tom sighed deeply as he put on his demimn jacket. He was exhausted since he did not get any sleep last night. His mind was overloaded. He could not stop thinking about that certain new girl. Her angelic features displaying over and over again before his closed eyes.

Her intensely makeuped eyes were beautiful and charming and elegant... But there was something else about them too. A certain grief that you can only notice if you truly look into someones eyes. It is a look that can simply not mean anything else. Tom knew all about it, he has seen it a lot in his mother's eyes. His mother is doing better and better but every now and then she breaks, and Tom knows why.

The divorce of his parents has had a huge impact on both him and his mother. At the beginning, Tom would lock himself in his room and hardly came out. He would cry himself to sleep every night for weeks. The first month he had nightmares alot... the ones that reflect what is going on in your life at the very moment. It was awfull... The scene of him being dragged away by his mother to get in the car and leave his father and dear twin brother forever. He could not get used to it.

After the first month the nightmares became alot less frequent but still returned every now and then. It took years to fully get over them but he eventually got there. It did not mean he stopped thinking about his twin. His father though, started fading away in his memories. The fact that a grown man, a parent, does not ever contact his child. Tom will never understand it. But it is very clear to him now that his father probably does not give a damn about him. At the same time he still is hoping for an explanation. A reason why his father never contacted him. He hoped his father did try to make contact but knows deep down inside that he is hoping for the impossible. It is still a sensitive spot, but most of the time he gets over it.

His brother on the other hand, he simply can not blame him. Tom feels like he has no right to judge him on not contacting him. Neither of them tried to make contact again... Simply because they did not know how to at the time, and they still do not know now either. Over the years Tom has tried to find out where Bill is living with his father but is seems like an endless search. His mother even said they might have moved to Brno.

Bill does not have a cellphone either according to his mom. Neither is he active on social media. He tried asking people on his school, other family members and even people on the street if they maybe knew recognized Bill by showing them a picture. Never had someone recognized him. It tears his heart.

These moments when he loses his mind and can't stop thinking about his brother, he usually calls his girlfriend Tess and they watch a horror movie together while smoking weed. But it would not do it for him this time. Because Tess got on his nerve again today... But also because of something else... Someone else to be specific.

He looked outside of his bedroom window and enjoyed the amazing view of Prague in the early morning. It was low season so it was not that busy with tourists. The view he has from his room allows him to see the big amount of red rooftops and in the disance he could see the 'Church of our Lady'. He has always liked that building. It helds something sinister he can't explain exactly.

At these times he wonders what the use of it all is. The purpose in life. He is watching at such a beautiful city. Such beautiful buildings and statues. It probably took a lot of pain and effort for people to build all of this. People who had thoughts and feelings. People with goals in their lives. People who are long dead now. 

As he drifted away in the view, his phone buzzed. He picked it up to view what it was and as he opened WhatsApp, he saw that Georg sent him a picture of a goth-looking girl in her underwear. Ofcourse he immediately got the refference but he thought it was stupid. Georg already blew up his chance with the girl and yet he sents him this picture, clearly meaning to resemble that same girl.

To be honest he thought the girl from school is way prettier than the one in the picture. Still he sent Georg back.

'Hot stuff you found there. Still not giving up on Miss Darkness I see?'

Georg replied by sending back a perverted looking, drooling emoticon. Tom laughed but decided to end the conversation here already. He had a whole day before him of school. And it was tuesday, that meant working at the DVD store again. He was honestly not looking forward to it all.

What he did look forward to was seeing that particular girl again.

-

No tears left Bill’s eyes as he pressed the Sharp cold metal against his underarm. The first cut did not do the trick so he made another one, this time deeper and longer. With this cut it did not take long before a perfect red stream of blood left the opened skin. But the pain still was not satisfying enough. The feeling of being dirty and worthless still overpowered the physical pain. 

For a moment he let his body fall with his back onto his bed, complete terror filling his mind. The painful thoughts were winning and he was on the edge of giving up and crying himself to sleep. He just laid there for about ten minutes, over thinking the situation and scanning his body with his hands to check if everything was still alive. By doing this he left a bloody trail across the rest of his skin, as well as on his bed sheet. 

He gently stroked his neck. There was a fresh bruise forming on his soft skin. It would probably take at least a week and a half to fade to a softer colour so he had to wear turtlenecks again. Not that he minds, he loves them anyway.

Going lower, he encountered his breasts. It was a full B-cup bouncing on his slender chest. He grabbed his breasts in both of his hands and squeezed them together, proudly looking at the cleavage it made. Even if Bill was not mentally a girl, he still did not mind at all that his body skipped male puberty and went through female development. It somehow suited him, he thought. And someone else thought that as well... Thinking of this person returned him to his original state of lingering depression.

Bill sat up at the edge of his bed again and immediately pressed the knife against the same wrist as before. But to no avail. It hurt... But not enough. Then his eyes caught an half empty bottle of Zoladkowa and suddenly an amazing idea crossed his mind. He opened the bottle and poured the heavy vodka on his open skin. This finally resulted in a wave of heavy pain.

He did not stop until the entire bottle was empty and decided to fall back on his bed after. The expected pain lingered for a long time and mixed with the influence of alcohol to drift him away into a state of rest. At least for his mind. He closed his eyes and slowly let the comfortable darkness take over.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long to post the story on this site... But finally it is here, the new chapter of Cry With A Smile! This chapter is longer than the second one. While writing this I had on replay the song 't.A.T.u - 30 Minutes (Instrumental)'. Have that one on replay for the good experience. Hope you enjoy it xx

It was late in the afternoon and the shop was about to close. They just had to take in the few cabinets that were standing outside. After that Tom needed to do the dishes. Whe everyone finished fdoing their final tasks, the store closed and Tom left the street after waving the others goodbye.

He wondered what he was supposed to feel at this very moment. He felt empty... numb. That for sure. But where was the feeling that would make sense to what just happened. The best way to describe it is that he felt confused. His body went on autopilot since he got the news. His girlfriend Tess came over to visit him in the store today. She had told him she skipped school in the morning because she had to clear her mind. This because she needed to make a decision, she had said. And the decision was made that afternoon. She decided to break up with Tom.

After all it should not feel like a surprise but it had a bigger impact on him than he thought it would. He knew it would happen eventually but now it was permanent and there is no way back, he felt kind of lost. Drained. He loved Tess very much still and both of them made sure their friendship would remain. But it was just a huge slap in the face after they both worked so hard to maintain this relationship. 

Tom felt the need to talk to someone and open up about his feelings. Open up about his breakup, about the way he feels lately and about his scars from the past. But he wasn't sure if he wanted to open up to anyone around him. He would have opened up to his mother a lot more these days if she did not block his attempts at emotional conversations so much. The last time must have been a month ago, when he burst into tears thinking of how much he misses his beloved brother.

Simone had told him to not worry and go on with his life. Something she tells him a lot frequently. But something else had hurt him a lot with the last conversation with his mother. Not only had she told him not to worry so much, but the reason why she felt that way was something Tom would not ever suspect hearing from her voice. 

She told him it was partly Bill's fault that she and Tom had to go through what they went through. That Bill had the chance to contact them and he didn't. She blamed him for their loss. Said that Jörg was dead to her but Bill started to become a less important aspect of her life aswell.

When Tom heard this, his heart sank in his chest and shattered in a million pieces. He had left that conversation without saying anything. He knew that over the years his mother became kind of bitter and started to give up on getting her child back. But to hear her say it so directly and shameless. It had destroyed him that evening.

Ever since that day he did not attempt to find emotional comfort in his mother again. His girlfriend, ex girlfriend now, was no option either. He knew they were still friends but he had no good view of how things between them would go from here. And after all it had been just an hour since they broke up. It would be awkward to already contact her.

Both Georg and Gustav, mainly Georg though, kept going on and on about the new girl. At this point it was safe to say they are obsessed already. And they seemed not to be the only ones. Other guys in their class started comparing her with other girls. And girls started judging her makeup and clothing style. It was clear that some of the girls felt envy towards her. Still Tom did not find out her name yet. She was not present on school today so he had no chance to ask her.

Tom felt that sharing his thoughts and feelings with the guys would not really help him out. He had been distant to them the past time. They did not seem to notice this anyway. They lived their lives, as they should. But he still wondered if they knew he was hurting. If they knew how much of a struggle his daily live was becoming. Did anyone notice him at all? Or did they just like him for his fun and energetic moments? His pain was not exactly written on his forhead but still he changed, and people should notice this change.

He then doubted for a moment to call Elena and talk to her. But realised that she was probably already getting ready for her weekly partying in their local trance club. Almost every tuesday Elena would go to 'Studio 54'. Sometimes Tom and the others would come with her and all four of them always ended up pulling her away from the girls in the club after she took too many drinks. She was not only addicted to clubbing but also to the attention girls gave her.

Being the good friend that he is, Tom left her in her good flow and decided not to call her either.

His mentall walls had broken down and his mind was flooding. No help was in sight. Even though he was all alone with his thoughts at this moment he knew he had to keep strong. Be strong for himself. Be strong for his friends. But mostly for Bill... He knew Bill needed him to be strong. He just felt this. A feeling that only twins know exists.

After entering the city heart and his house was in sight, he decided he needed some time for himself and called his mother to say he would be eating at George's place today. His mother had agreed and hung up almost instantly. He did not know if he should be worried about her or mad at her for not being there for him. He knew she had it hard but so did he. Things were starting to feel weird and this made Tom even more sure of his decision to leave the busy city heart.

He knew exactly where to go. A small park on a hill on the outskirts. This is where he usually went when he needed time for himself. Once he arrived, he sat down on a nearby bench. The view he had was perfect. You could see the lake around the city, the bridges on it to connect city parts. And most importantly the city itself. This made him proud. He loves his city so damn much. He felt lucky to be born and raised here in this city.

At the same time he felt lucky he was born in the city heart and not the rural area he was in right at that moment. The outskirts were filled with poverty and criminality. Even though he loved this park, he knew that not too far from here some bad neighbourhoods were located.

But he tried not to think of that. He tried to think of his own struggles. How to deal with them. How to end this loneliness. He felt is was misplaced, considering he had his friends and his loving mother. He even had an amazing stephfather who was there for him. But he just felt invisible. He felt as if noone cared to understand him. This made him doubt his self-worth and his reason for existance again.

He took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment. But was interrupted soon as he heard a cracking sound right beside him and noticed someone must have sat down next to him. Shortly after that he felt a soft body lean against him and hands grab his shirt tightly.

After opening his eyes he was shocked to see who was leaning against him.

-

It must have been atleast an hour that Bill had spent on looking at his ceiling. In this time he started to regain his mind and realised what he had done this morning. How could he be so stupid? He absolutely hated himself. His wrists had started to heal and crusts were starting to form on the deep cuts. Some of the cuts were still fresh and barely stopped bleeding.

Painful memories of the day before tried to enter his mind but he blocked them as quick as he could. He liked to pretend nothing happens. As if nothing out of the ordinary happens at home. As if this family was any regular family and there was nothing to worry about. He liked to play this game in his mind. But he knew it was only pretending. He knew better.

When he reached his hands out to the ceiling, he observed them intensely but just felt like it was all so unreal. It felt all like a dream, a nightmare rather. He could not accept that he was really there. It seemed like a joke. So he slapped himself to feel somthing, but failed. He felt it but it did not feel like reality. A tear of confusion left his eye as he laughed softly. It all felt like one big show.

He decided he could not be in this room any longer and needed to get clean. There was dried semen in his hair, his makeup was smuged, there was blood all over himself and his clothing and he reeked of sweat and alcohol. He would not bother enjoyning showering because he knew he had limited time before his father found out he was awake. So he put on the cold water and scrubt himself clean quickly, not caring if his wounds opened up again. He needed to feel clean. Even though he knew this would never be the case, he could atleast try.

After drying his body and hair, he put on fresh clothes and quickly brushed his teeth. He put on eyepencil and mascara but that was it for makeup. After leaving the bathroom, he took some socks out of his drawer and bound them around his scarred wrists. He lost the count of how many times he has done this. Since he broadened his cutting pattern and scarred his upper arms aswell now, long gloves would not be enough to hide the scars anymore and catch up the blood.

His eyes caught a glimpse of one of his many Nena posters. He wondered what it was like to be loved by so many persons as she is. To be praised for something you are good at. To have a purpose in life. To live life with goals to reach. To have other people to give love to and receive it back. At this point Bill did not even know the meaning of the word love anymore. But what he knew is that he still deeply longed for it. He still tried making his father proud, he still tried being a good son... daughter... but always ended up failing. Every now and then his father would have break downs and tell Bill how sorry he was, but the day after things would always go back to normal.

He could not stand this room one more minute and sprinted out of it, then sprintered down the stairs and met his father on the couch. He was watching some documentary about the times of communism and how different it was back then. Jörg was fully aware of Bill entering the room but did not acknowladge his presense at first. Until he turned his head and saw Bill's insecure form. He was just standing there shivering, looking at the ground in shame.

Jörg laughed. "Well well well. Look at you. All rebelious and cool. Skipping school". He put his hands in his pockets and slowly walked closer to Bill. Untill they were face to face. He then softly stroked Bill's body, starting at his neck and going lower to his stomach.

"Such a beautiful daughter I have created". Jörgs hand encountered Bill's hips and then navigated to his lower stomach. This made Bill shiver and he let out an uncomfortable high pitched sound.

"No wonder you were passed out for so long, you were just taking a little beauty nap, weren't you?" Bill tried his hardest to avoid his fathers cold and lustful stare.

All of a sudden he grabbed Bill hard by the neck with one hand and grabbed his jaw with the other. Bill panicked and looked Jörg fearful in the eyes now.

"Or were you too GODDAMN tired because of the amount of cocks you sucked yesterday at your new school? Is that it, huh?" Bill was sobbing now. "Answer me goddamnet you worthless prostitute". He screamed the last part.

Bill knew this was a mindgame Jörg liked playing but he was in no position to go against him. But he knew whatever he would say would end up in encouraging his fathers excitement. But not answering would make him mad as hell.

"I swear... I- I didn't I swear... I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry".

Jörg only sighed and for a moment stopped stroking Bill's body. Bill was thankful for this. He was heavily shaking by both fear and disgust now. He tried to make a plan in his mind to leave this place at the moment. He could not stand this at all. His mind was way too blury and his head hurts a lot from the alcohol. But worst of all was the fact that he was in the same building as Jörg. He could not bear that any longer. His skin itches by just thinking of that name.

"Well I don't think you are sorry at all". He went to sit on the couch again and took a sip of his beer. "You absolutely loved every moment of it, didn't you? You can't get enough of all these cocks... Just your daddy's big cock is not enough to please your desires".

Bill's eyes searched the room to look for distraction as he started blushing. He hated the way his father would call him out on acting like a slut. After all these years he started believing his father. After all; he is the one who started wearing makeup and tight clothes. He is the one who got a tongue ring and paints his nails. He actually believed that he is the one who seduced his father and makes him do these dirty things to him. It is something Jörg has made sure is printed in his mind forever.

"Your teacher called me and told me she was worried since you did not show up". Jörg said as he focussed on the documentary again. He then looked back at Bill from the corners of his eyes, an evil glance shining through them. "Told me some guys in your class were pretty worried too".

Bill knew where this was going. He could not put up with rhough sex and abuse again, after it already happened so short ago. He had to leave now. As his fathers eyes were glued on the TV yet again, he made a sprint to the door and did not stop running after he ran through the opened door.

He heard angry screams behind him but they soon faded. It was cold outside and he was not wearing a jacket. He knew he had nowhere to go and would freeze if he sleeps outside. But he did not want to deal a second night in a row with Jörgs cruelty.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait. Hopefully you still want to read this story. I am not planning on abandoning it, don't worry. Enjoy the new chapter :)

The almost freezing cold bored its way through Bills soft skin. Bill was glad he picked up his combat boots at the last second before sprinting out of the house. He still wears them proudly after having them for 3 years already. Luckily his shoe size did not change since then. What he was not glad about was the fact that he did not have a coat to warm him up.

Nature did not recognize his weak state and cold wind kept sweeping at his skinny body. Nihilism krept in his mind and made his thoughts go numb with a painful undertone. He just did not care anymore. Whatever happened was okay to him. There was just no way something positive will happen in his life.

Just as he almost reached the path that led up the hill into the big park, nausea from the alcohol appeared and he collapsed with his knees crossed on the ground to vomit. Right after this a peaceful sensation rilled through his body but it did not last long until he vommited again. After he was done, he wiped his mouth and tried to stand up on shaky legs.

The vommiting has left him even colder than before and he had the feeling day might be his last. His body was extremely weak and his mind was on auto-pilot. He entered the path and eventually arrived at the park. Immediately at the beginning of the park there appeared to be a kiosk that sells icecreams. To Bill's surprise concidering the weather, it was still open and even a few people were waiting in line.

He went the other way though and followed the path that eventually ended in the woods. When he was nearing the end of the park and the beginning of the woods, he checked his surroundings. Left of him there were no trees, so he decided this must almost top of the hill. On the right there was a small field of grass that devided the park from the woods. There was a bench located at the front of the small field.

Bill did not expect someone to be sitting on it though. But someone clearly was. The person was lost in his own thoughts it appeared. A blank expression on his face. But Bill spotted the small sings of sadness that his face held.

It took some time before Bill realised it was Tom that was in front of him. His mind went back to normal and he mentally slapped himself for not recognizing his brother immediately.

He almost walked to the bench automaticly and sat down next to his twin. Right at this moment rain softly started tapping his head and shoulders, making his miserably body even colder. He grabbed Tom's arm and rest his head against his shoulder, softly sobbing.

-

Tom stared at the girl sitting next to him. He did not expect anyone coming here but what blew his mind the most is that it was someone he knew. Someone he had recently met. It was the mysterious new girl from school.

She was sobbing against his shoulder and held onto his arm tightly as a little girl finding comfort in her parent. Tom was surprised by this but also worried about why she was sobbing. It also shocked him that she was not wearing anything else then a tight black long-sleeved t-shirt with some text on it. It said 'no angel' on it in white letters and had wings on each side of the text.

He realised he was staring at her perky breasts that seemed to not be covered by a bra. The rain made the shirt tight against her skin so her nipples were visible through it. Tom felt arousal rush through his body but he pushed it aside as started taking off his jacket. He pushed the girls arms away from his right arm so that he could pull his jacket off. When he placed it around her, she looked up at him.

She was absolutely beautiful, Tom thought. She has brown almondshaped eyes with big lashed, just like himself. Her skin is pale white compared to his slightly tanned skin. The makeup around her eyes was smudged and left a trail on her cheeks. Even with her makeup ruined she still looked breathtaking.

Tom wasn't sure what to do next. Should he ask her if something happened? Or should he let her start talking? A minute passed and it started feeling awkward.

When she looked up again, her eyes looked confused, as if she was confused why Tom just offered her the jacket. He put his hands on both of her arms and looked at her worried when he finally broke the silence.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

He was not sure if he asked it correctly and worried if he sounded too cold or harsh. But she did not seem to mind as her expression brightened a little bit. However it took another minute before she started talking.

"I don-", she said but seemed to have trouble finding words in her mind.

Her body had stopped shivering and Tom could feel her heat up slowly against himself. He played with his lip ring out of unease and waited untill she finished her sentence. But it did not come so Tom spoke again.

"It is okay if you don't want to talk about it with me. I can call someone for you if you want".

Then Tom realised this was actually the first time he had heard her voice since they met shortly ago. He wanted to hear more of it and luckily she answered him quickly.

"I just don't know anymore", was all she said and she rested her head against Tom's shoulder again.

Tom really liked her voice. It was calm and soft but had a slightly raspy sound to it. It is exactly the kind of voice he likes in a girl and he wonders if she would be good at singing.

"It's okay", he said and was still worried about her. Her lack of explanation did not help but he understood he could not push her to talk about whatever it was that is making her cry.

"I'm sorry", was all she said as she stood up, leaving Tom's jacket, and ran back to the park.

When she dissappeared out of sight, Tom put on his jacket and left to go home too. Trying to make sense of what had just happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song 'Lonely' by After Forever inspired me while writing this chapter. It is not a very atmospheric song playing it while reading might not be optimal. But maybe listen to it after finishing the chapter. I really feel this song sets the mood and describes both Bill's and Tom's feelings in the story.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A small chapter. Just wanted to upload this quickly. Article 13 and 11 are approved here in the EU. It is Soviet-style internet censorship and it could affect fanfictions. Everything will be checked first and needs to be approved before it can be uploaded. Don't know if it is already like that or not, so posting this chapter quickly :D Enjoy... :P
> 
> Used the 'Helios - The Toy Garden' as a background song for writing this. It is good if you listen to it while reading, it makes the athmosphere.

Tom was lost in thought, looking outside of the nearby window of his classroom. There were people leaving and entering the school property. Some students leaned against the walls, smoking. Every now and then someone would notice him and make a quick glance. But Tom was too far in his mind to notice.

Once again he was thinking about the girl he recently met. There were too many questions on his mind. Especially now that his own life was starting to turn grey, this girl managed to captivate him mentally. It was as if the universe brought her to him to give his life purpose again.

At the last thought, he felt slightly guilty. It has been only a day since he broke up with Tess. Now he is already thinking about somebody else.

But it was more than that. This girl who's name he still doesn't know, gives him a very comforting feeling. Almost nostalgic. Being in her presence makes him feel warm inside for some reason.

He wants to help this girl. Not just because he likes her and thinks she is really pretty... and smells good... and has a sweet voice. No, he really feels the need to be there for her and help her with whatever problem she is facing. She makes him feel less empty by just being around him. So in return he wants to do something for her too.

The sound of Georg snapping his fingers close to his ear made him come back in reality again. As Tom turnes his head, Georg smiles at him in that seemingly cocky way that comes natural to him.

"Dude... We missed too much stuff the last few days while skipping classes. I think I won't be skipping anymore for a while. Seriously; these Math questions are impossible. You will have to help me... Please?".

Without a word, Tom takes George's Math book and starts filling in some questions. He knew he was a good friend for doing this often. But he would need George his help for German class in return.

After a few minutes of filling in questions, Tom decides it was enough for now. He answered more than a half of them and wanted to do his own homework too.

"Thanks man... You rock". Georg said as he tapped Tom's shoulder in a friendly way.

Tom gave him a quick smile and then looked around the classroom, landing his eyes on Tess. She seemed to be far away in her own thoughts as well, even with Elena happily humming a song next to her. This was not easy for her either. Tom and her really loved eachother, and now that their relationship definitely ended, it has left a hole in both of them.

He studied her features. Her deep brown almond shaped eyes. Her slightly upturned nose with some soft freckles on it. Her adorable pouty lips and ofcourse her beautiful soft hair. The fact that all of this beauty was not for him anymore, made him feel sad and longing for the past.

Tess started becoming aware of the staring and looked around, to find Tom studying her. As Tom noticed, he quickly returned to his homework.

George noticed the act and chuckled but soon realised he should comfor his mourning friend. He put a arm around his shoulder and looked him in the eyes.

"I know its hard man... You still love her. But the faster you move on, the better. Both of you are still friends, right? So it is not like you split up in a bad way. You can still see her and chill with her, you know".

Tom gave him a smile and hugged him. Even though Georg can be rude and harsh, he also has a empathic side and likes to cheer people up. This is one of the reasons he is his best friend.

"Bytheway... now we are talking about hot chicks... Did you notice Miss Darkness is absent again? I wonder what the reason for that is. Maybe I should find out where she lives and give her a fruitbasket to get better", Georg said as he pulled out of the hug.

'Here we go again', Tom thought as he smirked back at Georg.


End file.
